Million Dollar Bible Challenge

One million atheists are invited to pledge one dollar each

1. God punishes all of womanhood, throughout all eternity with agonising childbirth. This because one couple ate from the tree of knowledge which he planted.

2. God drowns every man, woman, child and baby because he is disappointed with his creation. He saves just one family.

3. God burns to a cinder, every man, woman, child and baby in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah due to the behaviour of some of its residents. He claims he can't find so much as ten righteous inhabitants. Even the children and the babies weren't righteous enough. He saves just one family.

4. Lot rapes his two virgin daughters although we are encouraged to believe that the daughters raped their father.

(I'll re-number everything shortly)

4. God "fastens the wombs" of every Egyptian woman to punish the Pharaoh for having sex with Abraham's wife. Abraham prostituted his wife (half-sister) but he got off scot free.

6. God instructs Abraham to murder his beloved son as a test of faith. Isaac is reprieved and god, the creator of the universe, settles for a ram. So long as someone's throat is slit and blood spurts out, god is content.

5. God orders Abraham and his descendants to drive out the inhabitants of Canaan/Palestine and to murder thousands of others.

7. God condones slavery and advises slave owners to nail disobedient slaves to a gate post.

8. God inflicts two thousand men with chronic haemorrhoids until their bowels drop out.

9. God has forty-two children ripped apart by wild bears for being mischievous.

10. God orders us to murder anyone who works on the Sabbath (Saturday).

11. God orders fathers to drag their daughters to the gates of the city to be stoned to death for failing to bleed profusely on their wedding night.

12. God orders parents to murder their sons if they turn out to be drunken or disobedient.

13. God demands that we murder witches.

14. God orders us to murder blasphemers.

15. Adulterers must be murdered.

16. Homosexuals must be murdered.

15. God instructs us to murder family members who fail to worship him.

16. God causes parents to boil and eat their children and this continues until his wrath is sated.

17. God frequently sends droughts killing thousand of people whenever he gets angry.

18. God sends plagues of locusts, frogs, flies and blood to punish thousands of innocent Egyptians for the crimes of the Pharaoh. Every time the Pharaoh agrees to release the Hebrew slaves, God "hardens his heart" so the punishment can continue.

19. Eventually God murders the first-born sons of every Egyptian family, none of whom were guilty of anything.

20. God drowns the Egyptian army despite the fact they were simply obeying orders.

21. God causes Moses and his approximately one million slaves and families plus cattle to wander around the Sinai Desert, hopelessly lost, for forty years. This despite the fact that a few generations earlier Abraham and his family had traversed the same desert in a matter of weeks. Apparently God's sat-nav was on the blink.

22. Moses murders 3,000 of his loyal supporters for casting a golden calf resembling the deity, Baal.

23. Moses instructs his butchers to murder men, women, male children and babies. But keep alive the young virgins for their own use.

24. God's instruction to Joshua - "Kill every man, woman, child and suckling (breast fed baby)", Sayeth the Lord. "Let none survive".

25. God stops the sun from orbiting the Earth to give Joshua extra daylight in which to slaughter the inhabitants of a city.

24. Samson sets foxes ablaze and drives them into his enemies encampments.

25. A woman drives a tent peg through a sleeping man's head.

26. A warrior decapitates the king's children and tosses their heads over the city wall.

a. God forbids cripples and blind people from entering his sancturies.

b. God clambers aboard a cherub and flies around dropping hot coals on people below.

c. God boasts that his farts sound like a harp and can be heard in a town several miles away.

27. The young David murders 200 men and collects their foreskins to present to the king.

28. Gideon forces his captives to run through bramble bushes until their flesh is ripped from them.

29. King David prefers to hack his captives to death with axes and wood saws. Sometimes he forces them to walk through red hot kilns til they burst into flames.

30. Hebrews load their sins onto donkeys and drive the helpless animals into the desert to die of thirst.

e. God threatens to wipe excrement across the faces of people who annoy him.

31. Parents are instructed to beat their children with rods to prove their love.

32. Pregnant women are ripped up and their foetuses forcibly aborted.

33. God is comfortable with King David and King Solomon amassing huge harems consisting mostly of captured slave girls.

NEW TESTAMENT

34. Jesus instructs his followers to hate their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters.

35. Jesus orders slave owners not to dine with their slaves. Rather, slaves must wait to be fed, til after the master has finished his meal.

36. Not once did Jesus speak against slavery. In fact he often told lurid tales of slaves being beaten by their masters and he saw nothing wrong in that.

36. Jesus instructs his followers care nothing for the future. Pay no attention to food, money, clothing or housing. Just whistle a happy tune.

d. Jesus is loathe to cure a sick Canaanite child. Despite the mother's pleading he calls the ailing child a dog - "It isn't right for the master to waste the children's bread on dogs".

37. Jesus advises men to gouge out one eye and amputate one hand for looking at a woman with lust. Either that or risk the fires of hell.

38. Jesus advises men to castrate themselves "for heaven's sake". Not compulsory though.

39. Jesus transfers the demons, or unclean spirits, from one crazy man into 2,000 pigs and causes the pigs to leap off a cliff into the sea to drown.

40. Jesus insists that divorced women can't remarry, thus forcing them to starve to death or turn to prostitution, thus condemning them to an eternity spent writhing in the flames of hell.

40. Jesus informs everybody that unless we worship him we will be condemned to hell. We will burn and continue to burn for eternity. He has the power to save us all - he is god after-all - but he chooses to punish billions of non believers in the most horrible and cruel way imaginable. So much for his forgiveness.

41. Jesus is nailed to a cross and made to suffer intolerable pain. All part of God's divine plan.

f. The graves of the saints burst open and the corpses stroll into Jerusalem to be "seen by many". This might not seem cruel but imagine the fright it must have given people. Especially if it took place at night and Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' was playing on the radio.

42. Jesus returns to Earth wearing white robes drenched in blood. He's riding a horse and he has a sword protruding from his mouth. He will do battle with the Beast 666 and in the process cast billions of sinners into the lake of eternal fire.

I'll fix up the numbers later. That'll do for a start. Just stuff from the top of my head. Trust me, there will be more...

Happy days - Doug